Grief after a break up

Healing after a break up can be hard. You may or may not realize that you end up going through the five stages of grief. Instead of grieving the death of a loved one, you’re experiencing the five stages of grief for what you thought your life would be. While they are not linear and we can often cycle between different stages, we remember them in the following order (The Stages of Grief After Breakup):

Denial. At first, you might experience denial over the relationship ending. You tell yourself they will come back. Maybe you are denying that you feel sad about it. 

Anger. You feel angry that they ended the relationship. You’re angry that they didn’t make changes to keep the relationship going. Maybe you’re angry at yourself for not doing enough. 

Bargaining. You start to wonder what if I do this? What if we tried that? Would we be able to be together? 

Depression. You are deeply saddened by the experience of loss and wonder if you’ll ever feel love again. You can’t bring yourself to even get up. 

Acceptance. You have reflected and worked through the break up to get to a point where you feel like you have learned from this experience and have guidance for your next relationship.

You saw a future with this person and what your life could be like. You saw what you could be like. Now, you’re having to work through the idea of you, and your life, being different. What do you do now? Who are you now?

While this can be a difficult time, it is also an opportunity to identify what is most important for you. What do you hold as your core beliefs and values? How can you use the grief of what you feel you have lost to identify what you value most?

From identifying that you were most hurt when you felt dismiss by your partner, you can identify that feeling seen, understood, and important are valuable to you in a relationship. Maybe you will miss most the carefree, imaginative nature of your partner. This can help you to know that you want the same carefree, imaginative perspective in your future relationship. Identifying what hurts and what you’ll miss most can be eye opening in what you truly value in a relationship. 

While in grief, it’s important to note that our memories of events and people may be colored differently. Give yourself the grace and space to process through this with self-compassion.

If you’re looking to work through this in a supportive community, check out our group.