The Somatic Science of the Break-up

Why does heartbreak feel like physical pain?

You’re not being dramatic. Neuroscience has shown that the pathways in the brain which process physical pain are similar and overlapping to those that process emotional/social pain. These studies assess the impact of social rejection on the brain. One study specifically looked at how the brain responded when viewing a picture of their ex-partner after a break-up and when experiencing a painful stimulus. They found that both experiences of pain activated similar regions in the brain. Society often treats physical pain with more authority than emotional pain, because emotions are harder to experience than physical pain. They are uncomfortable and can’t be easily treated by putting a bandaid on them. You have to give them space to be. People don’t often like to be uncomfortable so they try to make it stop by essentially glossing over the experience with a “you’re better off” or “there’s plenty of fish in the sea.” 

Why just “moving on” doesn’t work.

You hear this all the time from friends, family, society: “just move on.” Great idea! But it doesn’t just happen overnight. When you’re in a relationship with someone, you build connections and bonds. By just “moving on,” you are denying yourself the opportunity to fully process the relationship through the grieving process. That’s right, grief isn’t just for when you lose a loved one. It comes into play at many stages of life. Grief allows you to notice what has changed, to acknowledge the pain from not having your expectations met, and points us to our core values. Sure you can try to just ‘move on’ by jumping into another relationship or situationship, but really you’re just postponing the inevitable. One day you start crying and feel like you can’t stop. Think of it this way, when you’re filling a balloon it expands until it can’t anymore then pops. However, if you let out the air a little, it can last longer. When you don’t allow yourself the opportunity to fully process the emotions at the end of a relationship, you are essentially filling up a balloon until it inevitably pops one day after another failed relationship. Taking a pause to notice where it hurts, to explore deeper into this, and find ways to regulate can help lead you to healing. It can help give space to a part of you that hasn’t been able to speak. 

It can be hard to identify what you’re even feeling during this time. It’s probably a mix of feelings and putting words to it can feel impossible. I like to guide my clients into noticing where they feel it in their body. This can often feel safer than naming what emotion you’re feeling. Do you feel a tightness in your chest? Tension in your neck? Heavy arms? Do you feel like you want to crawl into a shell? Noticing the physical sensations in our body can be a guide to what emotion we are experiencing. Tightness/pain in your chest can be anxiety. Tightness in your hands and clenching of your teeth can be anger. Wanting to crawl into a shell can be sadness or shame. 

How you can ease the ache of heartbreak.

Once you are able to identify where in your body you are experiencing discomfort and have identified the emotion that goes along with it, engaging in self-regulation exercises can be greatly helpful. 

One practice that has shown to be helpful in self-regulation when you feel like you’re spiraling is grounding. By bringing your awareness to the 5 senses can help bring you out of your head and bring you into the present. The 5-4-3-2-1 technique can be quite useful. Identify 5 things you can see, 4 things you can physically feel, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. Sometimes you may need to go through this process more than once to fully bring your awareness to the present. 

Deeply rooted in the healing process, is being in community. When we are hurting, it can feel easy to isolate from others who don’t seem to get it so we don’t get hurt again, or so we don’t ‘ruin’ their mood. But we aren’t meant to do life alone. Engaging in activities that bring us joy and spending time with loved ones can be a great way to soothe the feeling of rejection. 

Finding a group of people who understand what we are going through and can offer support along the way is a great way to ease the pain. If you’re ready to unpack your experience in a community of others who get it, check out our upcoming group. 

“In my 10 years in the mental health field, I’ve found that heartbreak is often the first time a young adult’s resilience is truly tested. At EM Psychotherapy, we treat this as a significant life transition that requires tools. Allyson’s focus on the somatic (body-based) experience of grief is a cornerstone of our practice’s approach. As Clinical Director, I supervise the curriculum of our ‘Heartbroken’ groups to ensure they move beyond talk therapy into true nervous system repair. You don’t have ti carry the weight of this transition alone.” -Elizabeth McGinnis, LPCC, Founder & Clinical Director, EM Psychotherapy, Inc.