Let’s stop checking our Ex’s Socials

The cycle of obsessive social media checking after a break up.

One day you are in a relationship. They are sweet, kind, whatever. You feel that they really do care about you and envision a life with them. Then things end and you’re left confused and hurting. Did you do something wrong? Were they lying to you this whole time? Putting on an act? You start to check on their social media accounts all the time. You just want to see what they’re doing. Are they hurting as much as you are? Are they talking to someone else already? Who are they following? Who follows them? You just want to feel close to them. You had them in your life daily and now they are gone. You know it’s not helping to see their stuff, but you feel like you can’t stop. It’s like an addiction.

Social media makes it seem easier to stay connected with others because you can just go on their account to see what they are doing through their posts. Plus, we get a little dopamine boost whenever we check social media – that instant reward feeling. But, it doesn’t last so we go back for another boost again and again. We’re trying to get that need for connection met, but only cracking the surface. 

Anna Lembke (a Stanford psychiatrist) in an interview with Bruce Goldman shared about the message of her book: Dopamine Nation: Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence. She shared that this constant cycle of dopamine-release negatively impacts our own dopamine transmission leading to a natural baseline below normal levels. Meaning? The more you get dopamine released through instant gratification of social media, the less you’re able to experience pleasure in the future. There’s a reason we need to have delayed gratification in our lives and goals that require us to work towards them. 

So how do I stop obsessively checking my ex’s social media? 

Tip 1: Try setting a time limit on social media usage. There are apps and settings that allow you to set a certain amount of time before receiving a message that notifies you how much time you have spent. You can always adjust it if needed, but this notice acts as an interruption into the cycle. Instagram now offers a feature where you can set a limit on the amount of time that you want to spend in the app. Apple Screen Time is another way to monitor the amount of time you’re using an app. One sec is another app that creates a pause before using an app.

Tip 2: If you’re not ready to completely unfollow/unfriend them, you can first try muting their content (ex. Instagram). You won’t instantly see their posts and be reminded of what they are doing. It takes a little more effort to search for their account and ‘check up on them’ allowing for an interruption in the cycle.

Tip 3: Try adding in other, healthier ways of feeling connected. Text/call your friends. Spend time with your loved ones. Find a community/group that fits your vibe and fills you up (check out Meetup).

If this sounds like you, you’re not alone.

It is inherently human to want to be connected to someone, to feel a sense of belonging. We can sometimes seek this out in others who aren’t the best fit leading to heartbreak and pain. We all experience pain and grief and find ways to cope with it. Sometimes helpful, sometimes not so helpful. That little boost of dopamine we get from checking social media can feel nice when you’re sitting in the midst of heartbreak. But you know it’s not helping you. If you’re looking for a group of people where you can explore this and feel a sense of connection, check out this link to get connected.